The murk of discernment
Big ice, big decisions.
Mothers and mothering pulsed through my week like a low-lying wave. I sped through our latest book club book, Elizabeth Rush’s The Quickening, a memoir about her expedition to the melting of the “doomsday” Thwaites glacier in Antarctica while planning to conceive and birth her first child, at a clip of 30-50 pages per night, with a climax of a graphic and honest portrayal of the author’s birthing experience. (More thoughts on this book below.) Throughout my days, an undercurrent of apprehension for my own egg freezing consultation on Friday morning, a looming pressure to decide “yes or no” on the parenting question, and fast. (The appointment went well and the immediate pressure has been lifted, for now.) A dear friend came to town with her infant in tow. It was just us, baby, and her own mother, talking about the tense and intense mental health and physical demands of parenting a newborn. To top off the week, Ann Friedman’s Weekly is back from her parental leave, thank gd, with the nuance, curiosity, and salty tension I would expect from Ann reflecting on her new role as “Mom.”
Swimming in this soup of mother molasses, I’ve felt very grateful for the conversations I’ve had with other cis female friends in their late thirties who are wrestling with the same questions and societal pressures and have chosen a path or are still wading through the murk of discernment.
What I’m writing
In the piece I’m working on, the story opens with my main character losing her mother in an accident. Throughout the rest of the story, she is managing a broken relationship with her father and clinging to parental, and maternal, touchstones from the adults in her life. She is also half African-American and half Ashkenazi Jewish, and is navigating these identities as a young teenager with tenuous ties to her origins. This week, I learned about Fran Ross’ 1974 book, Oreo, from a NYT profile and will be adding it to my research reading list.
What I’m reading
Women Without Kids by Ruby Warrington. She narrates the audiobook!
Halfway through In Ascension by Martin MacInnes and I’m (still) obsessed. I had to put it down for book club reading but I can’t wait to finish and pick up more of his books when I’m in the UK in April for work.
People We Meet on Vacation by Emily Henry has been an antidote to an existential-y week. As a writer, I’m learning a lot from Henry on her plotting, stakes, and dialogue.
Oldladyvoice by Elise Victoria for another book club. I don’t think I’ll finish in time (I’m 30 pages in and we meet on Thursday), but I’m loving the voice Victoria has created for her young protagonist and thinking about the identity and voice I’m crafting for my own character.
We Were Made for These Times by Kaira Jewel Lingo. Discovered during a book talk at Red Emma’s. I picked it up but really, she picked me up; rarely does a book feel like it’s screaming at the top of its papery lungs for me to hold it and pocket it and read it immediately. This one was.
What I read
The Quickening by Elizabeth Rush for book club. Oof, I have a lot of feelings about this book and so did book club! Our in-person meet-up at Greedy Reads was the biggest yet—nearly 20 people showed up—and everyone brought their spicy thoughts about parenting ethics and the climate crisis. If you joined virtually or IRL, especially if it was your first time, tysm for bringing your bravery and curiosity to a weighty topic and your respect for book club members who are new, learning, and discerning.
While I enjoyed this book, it’s not the book I was hoping it would be. Rush really wants to be a biological mother and doesn’t wrestle with the ethics of choosing to create biological children aside from the “they will increase my carbon footprint” argument. For her, choosing to parent is an extension of herself, her identity, her carbon footprint, and her personal choice to baby or not to baby, not a recognition of creating a wholly new and independent human who will eventually be an adult and have opinions, decisions, and experiences outside of her sphere of influence and live 30+ years beyond her into a climate future when the Thwaites glacier will collapse. Contemplation about the severity of the climate future were largely absent. Reflection on our moral responsibilities to the children already here was also missing.
With so few books currently available about the decision to parent amidst our climate crisis, I was hoping this book would be more and different, but I’m still glad she wrote it. It served as a gentle entry point into reading about climate change for the many women who showed up to book club. But it’s not likely to change any minds and if anything, will serve to just ease the conscience of those who want to create a biological family. And no judgment here, truly; I may be one of those people, someday. But if you choose to read this book, know that Rush approaches its writing more as a memoir than an investigative inquiry.
Also, the profiling of women polar researchers was cool as hell.
A helpful thing
After too many weeks of feeling overwhelm and eating takeout more than we’d like, I’m back on the weekend meal prep train with the help of Sprouted Kitchen Cooking Club. I credit this resource to helping me get through my Sustainability graduate degree. Even if every week’s meal plan isn’t the perfect fit for my dietary needs or preferences, it creates some structure for my cooking and takes the stress out of recipe hunting every week. As I work hard to carve out dedicated time to write daily, taking some of the effort out of other labors (feeding ourselves!) is necessary.
Oh, and is this post a couple days late? Oops, was busy mothering myself all weekend! Back next Sunday (fingers crossed) with your regularly scheduled programming.